I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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