final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
