so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
