There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
