plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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