I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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