Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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