Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
