When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
