I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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