How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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