you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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