well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
