I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
