Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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