After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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