I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
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my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
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I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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