Will you blow on my dice?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
