When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
