he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
