Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
