The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
