plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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