and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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