i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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