Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
