omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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