Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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