He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
