So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
