remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
