I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
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i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
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Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.