Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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