I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.