Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
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He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
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I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.