dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I intend to get homeless drunk
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...