Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
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Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
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I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.