I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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