we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We left the knife in your bed.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
