nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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