i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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