There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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