My liver just broke up with me...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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