remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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