I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Randomize
