I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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