Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
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Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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