So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
