i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
