Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
