history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
