I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
