i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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