i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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