dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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