today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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