Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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