nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
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