I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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