mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
