you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
