I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Can I color on your dick again?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
