Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
