i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize